Problems with monsters? Ghouls? Super villains?

Who You Gonna’ Call*?

The police, probably.

But in the absence of highly trained law enforcement, military personnel, a parent or guardian, your options are pretty limited. You can try:

1. Your uncle “Tiger” who just got out of prison and has nothing to lose. He also likes to borrow your money and taught you the term “bad touch”.

2. You don’t feel like pizza or Chinese right now, so those calls are out.

3. Your friends totally don’t answer their phones (just text them).

4. Your mother doesn’t even know how to answer her new phone.

So who can you call?

Super Hero Alpha Team Ninja Elite Rangers X, that’s who.

S.H.A.T.N.E.R. X

The world is an evil place full of sinisterly vile villains, depraved despots, maniacal madmen, corrupt corporations and downright diabolically poor meat-to-bread sandwich ratios.

All of these things are out to ruin your day.

When you have been wronged… If you have a problem… If no one else can help… And if you can find them… Maybe you can hire S.H.A.T.N.E.R. X.**

S.H.A.T.N.E.R. X – the only super crime fighting group to use the power of Funk to uphold funky justice, seek out funkless evildoers and funkily fight crime in every corner of the world***.

Super StarSuper Star

A radioactive spider from the planet Klypton who lost his parents, aunt and uncle to criminal thugs bit the wealthy owner of Spark Enterprises and was ultradosed in gamma radiation from the hammer Mjolnir. Then some dude accidentally stepped on that spider while running for the ice cream truck, thus ending what would’ve been possibly the coolest thing ever.

Kisama YomommaFU2 No awesome hero backstory is on record, although it is suspected that if it were it would contain exceptionally horrific profanity and references to things your mother did a really long time ago that she isn’t proud of.
The Red SquareThe Red Square Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m not Frank. Banana.
American DreamAmerican Dream “He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.” -Benjamin Franklin I wouldn’t do everything for money, dog…unless the money’s right.
Puerto Rican Pimp SlapPhantastic Pimp Slap A LONG TIME AGO A MAGICAL PIMP OR SOMETHING BESTOWED A MYSTICAL PIMP RING UPON A MERE SIDEWALK PHARMASOOTHICALIST, TRANSFORMING ME HIM INTO WHATEVER I SAID MY HIS NAME IS, PEEPLE. WHERE’S MY MUNNIES?

*Do not contact S.H.A.T.N.E.R. X if your crisis involves scary clowns or the kind of zombies that can be considered to run “really fast” or “moderately well”.
**Some jobs may be too scary. We reserve the right to refuse Hero Services to anyone. Not responsible for injury, wrongful death, property damage, “years of therapy because of this” or total bodily dismemberment.
***S.H.A.T.N.E.R. X have nothing to do with Funkmouf Brown and are like, totally separate dudes. Funkmouf Brown don’t even know these cats…or, uh..why they are on our website and stuff.

Contact S.H.A.T.N.E.R. X

Please tell S.H.A.T.N.E.R. X the nature of your dilemma below and we will do our best to sorta’ handle your crisis in the order in which it was received.









Since monsters and maniacs can't do math, verify that you are a human (or robot or evil genius*) and complete this simple math problem:



*If you are a robot or evil genius, please don't contact us and try to lure us to an untimely but comical demise.

*Do not contact S.H.A.T.N.E.R. X if your crisis involves scary clowns or the kind of zombies that can be considered to run “really fast” or “moderately well”.
**Some jobs may be too scary. We reserve the right to refuse Hero Services to anyone. Not responsible for injury, wrongful death, property damage, “years of therapy because of this” or total bodily dismemberment.
***S.H.A.T.N.E.R. X have nothing to do with Funkmouf Brown and are like, totally separate dudes. Funkmouf Brown don’t even know these cats…or, uh..why they are on our website and stuff.