The Legendary Legend of a Legendary Band’s Legend…allegedly
Every so often there comes a musical force of such awesome, pants-filling power that grown humans are apt to weep and children cry out in pee pee fueled terror.
In the absence of such a force…
…there is Funkmouf Brown.
Yes, Funkmouf Brown, a potent, senses battering concoction of groove, soul, truth, lukewarm sex juice and The Funk.
————————————–
“This is [clearly the music that I would have made if I was a musician…and still alive].”
-Galileo
————————————–
From the afro-clad mind of one brave man came the mission to assemble a group of talented, mostly law abiding musicians to save the world through The Funk. That man? Funkmouf Brown. He understood that he needed musicians of supreme vision, monumental talent, laser-like focus and unwavering loyalty. And when those musicians avoided him, did not return his calls, pressed charges and ultimately perished in inexplicably horrific “unfortunate accidents”, Funkmouf also understood that he sometimes needed to lower the bar to raise it. Just like trying to use a kite to make gravy. Think about it. It’ll make sense eventually.
The musicians he did find were won not with his usual enviable charm and clarity of purpose, but with blood, sweat, tears, multiple incarcerations and a great many beer battered chicken wings.
Funkmouf Brown – vocals and guitar
Graveltroat – vocals and guitar
Frank – vocals and stuff
Leper Skinz – drums and pharmasoothicals
Bass Boy – bass
————————————–
“They are a fabulous band and seem like a charming bunch of chaps. I can’t wait to interview them on my show, Portraits of the Arts. What? What could possibly happen?”
-Henry Philip Bettinger, Host, Portraits of the Arts
————————————–
It was a slow climb from the band’s humble beginnings playing to only bartenders and the local drunk at seedy dive bars to where they are today. Graveltroat remembers these times fondly: “I always had my [expletive] knife ready in case some [expletive] joker got some ideas and I had to [expletive] him up. Those other fools in the band are [expletive] and won’t do [expletive]. Buncha’ babies I gotta’ [expletive] babysit like a [expletive] [expletive]. Man, if I could do this [expletive] [expletive] myself I say [expletive] ’em all. [expletive]. Say, what were we talking about? [expletive] it. And [expletive] you. Get the [expletive] out of my [expletive] face.”
The band enjoys a comfortable level of success with an ever growing fanbase all over the world. Their popularity has spread so ravenously in fact that they are often confused with a similar but still entirely different and completely unrelated group of superheroes who traverse the globe fighting crime who have absolutely nothing to do with Funkmouf Brown.
————————————–
“I was like, at the Funkmouf concert and one of the pyrotechnics malfunctioned and this big fire totally broke out in the club and the band ran off screaming and crying. I was all like ‘wtf?’ when a few minutes later these five costumed heroes like, jumped out of nowhere and totally fought the blaze. They all kinda’ caught on fire too and then their screaming sounded just like the band’s cries for divine mercy did before they ran off…but maybe I was just like, hearing things in all the confusion. I’m glad those heroes showed up though because like, I totally woulda’ died. Fire is cool.”
-Dude [no last name given], Concert-goer
————————————–
As their impressive accomplishments and booty shaking music is a magnet for all types of attention, the band has also amassed a good number of detractors. The most notable being the radical artist/musician/surgeon/confectioner Dr. Richard D. D’Angerous, who’s public tirades and shameless mockery of the band has garnered him significant attention in his own right.
————————————–
“They are a despicable and deplorable menace to the very fabric of rational, modern civilized society. They should be exploderated and fed to my army of zombies. That is, if I had an army of zombies. Which I do not. (uncomfortable laughter)”
-Dr. Richard Diablo D’Angerous, Hater
————————————–
The band has most recently become the stars of a reality television audio series dubbed the Funkmouf Brown CRAPcast (Comedic Reality-Audio Podcast) that focuses on their lives, music, triumph and turmoil in a behind the scenes and never before seen way. Who knows what the future holds for them as they continue to blaze new skidmarked trails in Funkdom?
